I Am

Posted By on July 18, 2013

I am who I have always been.

I am a little older, but my life is not over.
I look a little different, but who doesn’t?
I have made some mistakes, but I am wiser for them.
My beliefs have changed, but I am continuing to learn more.
I have regrets, but I won’t be ruled by them.

I am who I have always been.
I am the same person, but I am different.

 

 

Aren’t we all?

 

 

 

<3


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Comments

8 Responses to “I Am”

  1. Dianne says:

    Well said. :-)
    Dianne´s last blog post ..Dallas, part 1

    [Reply]

    Jacque Reply:

    :) Dianne.
    Hope you are well.

    [Reply]

  2. KallyLyn says:

    Hi,

    I couldn’t find am email address to send this to, so I’m commenting. :-)

    I have read your blog for several years, and that of Jocelyn until she quite writing there. I also follow your pinterest board. I have seen your family change and morph, as you are learning and growing in life and your relationship with the Father. This last several months though, I have begun to feel concerned for you.

    Your pins on pinterest seem to be very bitter and resentful in their message. Toward people, toward God, toward your relationships. Though you don’t say anything, I can tell that there must be something going on in your life. I understand being hurt, but I don’t think that pinning hateful things in the internet is a very healthy way of dealing with that pain, nor does it set a good example for others.

    Is there something you need prayer for? Something you need help with? Or am I just misinterpreting what I see?

    In His Love,
    KallyLyn

    [Reply]

    Jacque Reply:

    Hi KallyLyn,
    Thanks for your concern. I know it’s been what seems like a drastic change as we have researched and changed our beliefs and lifestyles in the past couple of years. The truth is that we are who we ever were on the inside. This is why the continual search, for me, because it has to make sense to me, and it didn’t, really, as much as I tried to make it make sense to me.

    I’m going to go ahead and take the time to fully answer your questions/concerns, and truthfully, with nothing hidden or worded just right like I always felt I had to before.

    I can’t speak for Jocelyn, but I can tell you that what you see on my personal Pinterest isn’t because I am feeling resentful and bitter. I pin a lot of things, and it really isn’t fair or truthful to pull out things that seem something or another that is offensive to you and call me resentful or bitter. I also post puppies and home schooling and positive messages about self-worth and peace, and those aren’t resentful or bitter. What I actually feel now is a feeling of freedom and truth, with a lot of anguish from the crap I was blinded from and how it affected me and my kids for over 25 years. And, actually, I am not really sure that being resentful is a bad thing in all cases. Being resentful is a good catalyst for searching out what was wrong and what how to deal with and live through things that you may have excused for far too long.
    Hiding those “bad feelings” and always being happy is a mythical type of bondage to make you look happy, not be happy. To look the part, not actually be whole inside. So, while I hope everyone can be happy, I know that sadness, anger, resentment, etc etc are all human emotions that need to be felt and not dwelt in, but acknowledged and learned from, not shamed into feeling worse about yourself for.

    A lot of what I am currently posting is just what I want to pin. I no longer feel the need to word things just right or to post things that are religiously appropriate. I pin what I WANT to post. I hope that some of the things I post will allow others who know me or have followed me to see things differently and they will help others who were stuck in the lies I believed for many years, to see that, but that isn’t my main motivation. I don’t Pin for comments. I pin to put things on a board that I want to put there. It’s really that simple. I don’t do it for anyone else’s benefit, and as for it being healthy or a good example, damn having to be a good example. I no longer feel the need to have to be everyone’s good example. I am a good example, and if I pin things that are offensive to you or anyone else, it’s really easy to not follow a board or me at all. And I encourage everyone to not feel like they have to do something that isn’t right for them or makes them feel uncomfortable. God knows I hid things for years, trying to “Be the best christian and wife and example” and for years to be a ‘good example’, and the main thing that was hidden was ME. THAT was unhealthy. Expressing who you are isn’t unhealthy; stuffing it is. I am not ashamed of who I am, and I don’t need to hide my feelings just because they don’t fit into a scripture or a religious box or expectations of me that others have. There are enough other Pinterest boards and blogs to follow with your desirable pins and posts that you can follow.

    The truth is that no one is who you see on the outside, whether online or irl, and shame on you (and me, previously) and everyone else for telling me or anyone that who I am on the inside is unhealthy or a bad example. The reason people have so many problems and are stuck in abusive relationships and feel like they are going crazy thinking they aren’t good enough is because they have to hide those feelings from people who expect so much from them and tell them it’s their job to set an example for them. Set your own example. (Is this the resentment you were talking about, because this is not resentment, but speaking out against injustices in your belief system, and I know it doesn’t feel good, but I hope it makes you think.)

    This is just the next step in my life, my journey. It is nothing to be alarmed about. If you and I no longer agree on beliefs, perhaps the time we have virtually been in each other’s lives is past and it’s time to move on. It’s really ok. We aren’t all meant to be there for each other forever.

    I don’t expect this was the answer you were looking for, but it’s the truth. I don’t feel guilty or bad about it. I am learning to work through a lot I denied for years, and I am happier than I have been in years, if not for my whole life. And that’s because I am more myself today than I have been in a very long time, if ever, and I am happy to be able to look at things without the fear of religion and not being good enough or not being submissive enough looming over me or having to endure lies and deceit and passive aggressive control over me because “that is just sin (someone has) to overcome” and I have no escape from it. I am glad to be free of the lies and pressures to conform and not be who I actually am and be valued as such. I haven’t been for so long. Hopefully I can work through the feelings that I have to be the best this or that and worrying about what people think of me, but part of that may just be my personality, but I will work through the rest of it.

    If you aren’t too offended and you want to pray for me to be able to pay my bills and care for my children and survive a difficult divorce, feel free to. And reconciliation with some people who are very important to me. I am thankful for those I am already reconciled with, but anyway, I would appreciate that. But don’t feel sorry for me or hope I turn back to God. I plan to go forward. :)
    Thanks for your concern. Hope you have a great day.

    [Reply]

    KallyLyn Reply:

    I’m not offended. I wasn’t offended by any of your pins either. And I don’t feel sorry for you. I never did. I just thought that the “tone” of some of the comments you made on them sounded bitter. Which as you seem like you know, can be very hurtful to yourself. I just wanted to see if that was your true attitude, or if you even realized you sounded that way. See if you needed help. I was trying to be careful in my wording, so that if there indeed *wasn’t* a situation I didn’t inadvertently *cause* one by bringing it up.

    You obviously don’t know me, because I pretty much agree with your answers. I’m a truth seeker. I don’t know that there’s a religious box big enough to put me in. The one thing I disagree with is that you have taken your feelings against an abusive husband and religious system and turned them toward God himself. But then, I don’t much blame you either, for I’ve done the same thing in the past. I will pray for the things you’ve asked for.

    By “not setting a good example” I did not mean that you had to only post “safe” things, or not be yourself. I have no problem with that. I’m not one of those “stuff it and be the ‘best Christian and wife and example’” people that you describe. I guess I just meant to be careful that in reacting to an abusive situation you don’t turn into that abusive situation for someone else. You know, turning hateful because you’re upset with something else. Or something like that. …Not sure how to explain what I’m trying to say in writing…

    And I don’t follow all of your boards. Just a few that interested me. Honestly, I’m not overly interested in boards of baby animals. I tend to be fairly conservative in my style and preferences, but that’s my personality, not my religious beliefs. I really couldn’t care less what people think. My sister is totally different. We pin what we pin. I’m not one of your denim jumper internet “followers.” I read your stuff because I find your opinions on life interesting.

    On a different note, are you still doing Mona Vie, or just Miche, or both? The next bag I get will be a Miche, if I can manage it. I love the concept!

    [Reply]

    Jacque Reply:

    :) Well, thank you for your candor. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I hope to blog more now and check more now.

    Ugghh.h… well, I honestly just see too many discrepancies in the Bible to believe in the God of it at all. It’s not a fad, it’s just where this path of bible study and life has led me. Call it religion if you want to, but it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with putting 2 or more scriptures together and them not lining up. Or any number of Scriptures not lining up with LOVE. Rape, incest, forced marriages, marital submission by the woman because, well, she’s the idiot who “fell”… those do not add up to LOVE as God is Love or Jesus/Yeshua called it. They sure do run a lot of our cultural values though…

    I’m sorry it hasn’t been apparent, I would think it has been, but I haven’t followed an organized religion in forever, and that’s why we were the black sheep in every church or group we went to – or lost who we thought were “good friends” of a decade or more, but then they had no problem turning on us in a heartbeat (shallow explicative religious people), or it seemed that we bounced from one to the next… we didn’t just take someone’s word for it, and frankly, all of the research to become a bible follower is simply exhausting, because there is something that doesn’t add up around every corner – something you “just have to have faith in.” I no longer buy it. Being the person that I am, I just had to prove it all out. And when Christianity didn’t add up, and the people didn’t act like they were nice people – which, most of them say, oh, I have to get over that sin and fight that stronghold, and it’s just labeling it sin so that the Holy Spirit can take care of it instead of them taking care of it themselves… it just took me this long, after being raised Catholic and God/Jesus/Holy Spirit believing to get to this point, because believing there is a big god looking out for you when neither of your 2 dads or your husband won’t is just a nice little picture. Or heaven… oh how beautiful to believe in… and you just have to believe it to get there… or the FEARmongering… (don’t want my sweet little kids I love dearly to GO TO HELL!!)
    ….But I don’t want to discuss the religion. I just don’t care to put any more time into it; I have wasted enough of my life staying in a crappy, unloving marriage because I HAD TO. Searching for the right way to live…. for the truth… Alone. Or for the kids who were tired of it all…. Regardless, if this is bitterness, then label me bitter. I call it honesty and understanding with a touch of strength to finally move on and do what is REALLY RIGHT.

    However, I didn’t realize a lot of things about my marriage until well after I believed what I do about the bible and God, so regardless of when I chose to voice them – be it together on Pinterest or not – has not one thing to do with the other. This is not me finding out that a lying passive aggressive person who manipulates you and shuns responsibility for you to handle for the entire marriage and turning against god for it. This is me finding out in Costa Rica that God never commands his people to sacrifice animals or anything else, and they do it anyway, and mysteriously enough, there is a command to slaughter a lamb, which then births the entire Christian religion…. nothing to do with a narcissistic sociopath. Though it was accumulative over the past 3 years of hearing my kids speak of things I didn’t realize, and facing THEIR reality, which came much later.

    And, contrary to what many believe, I do not share my personal intimate life with too many. I am letting some of these things out here because I know there are people who care… and also those who need their shitty little bubbles burst who think they actually know me in the slightest… because the people they don’t know are the ones they get their crap and gossip from…. third, fourth, whatever -hand… and opinions.. oh, those are so much more enjoyable to gnaw on than the truth, though, aren’t they?

    So, I am giving you a tiny bit of the pie to let you know that your views are based on just what you are observing from the top of a very deep iceberg, and you can’t possible know timing, information, hurts, reality… etc. etc. from any posts on a Pinterest Board. :) Or a few.

    And, I am selling Miche, yes. Trying to find the time to do it, but still staying active. You can find my website here: http://jacquedixon.miche.com
    And sorry for making assumptions about you as well. I honestly don’t remember you and only know you from Rachel remembering you. :)
    Have a nice day.

    Angie Reply:

    Good for you! I’ll be praying :)

    [Reply]

  3. Denise says:

    Bravo!

    [Reply]

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Welcome

Welcome. I'd like to say that I'm first a 40-ish yr old woman with all of my likes and dislikes, but let's face it, Firstly, I'm a mom to 9 wonderful people, young and old, from ages 23 down to 3. That's my main life: loving, walking with, learning with, teaching, and being driven crazy by my kids and their antics and also being amazed by their capacity to keep loving a person like myself. So, I'm a 40-ish home school mom - teacher of the last 6 of my 9 kids, hoping I don't screw them up too badly, but knowing that they are probably all so awesome they will turn out much better people than I am. For which I am very GRATEFUL. Namaste.