Posted By Jacque on January 8, 2013
I haven’t posted about my Grandma being in the hospital here because things have been hopeful, then grim, then unsure, then the same, and it has been too much to think of how to write it all out. She got out of the hospital in Fort Wayne last week and went home, and we thought that she was on the mend. She ended up in the hospital in Warsaw soon afterward with a bad infection. We got to go Friday and see her. I didn’t know if we would see her again or not after that. She is not awake and hasn’t been for several days because the pain is unbearable without the medication.
but I got to go and see her today…
Monday January 7th 2013
Got to go today and see Grandma and tell her I love her and talk to her. Her kidneys aren’t functioning, and she is retaining fluids.
But, you know, she didn’t really look so bad.
So I put that silly gown and rubber gloves on and stood next to her and told her how happy I am that we have so many good memories and how much I love her. I held her swollen hand and talked about my kids and how they love to play Solitaire and do puzzles and what a wonderful memory that is for me of growing up with her and Grandpa and having my kids at their house playing with them.
I asked her if she remembered when Grandpa got down on the floor (he had health issues at the time and OOOOOH WAS SHE MAD HE WAS DOWN THERE!!), and he sat there and played Rummy and Go Fish and whatever else my kids wanted to play because that’s the kind of Great Grandpa he was. I laughed when I asked her if she remembered how mad she was that he was on the floor and that he just sat there dealing the cards as she shook her head and waved her hand at him…. and he played and played with my kids… and when he had a hard time getting up then at something like 80 or 85 years old, she just tried to bite her tongue….but of course she couldn’t and gave him an “I told you so” or something like that.
And we just talked. Well, I did. And I have a feeling that somewhere in that sleep to keep her from her pain, she heard me. Her facial expressions were more than mere pains or dreams; she heard me.
I told her how beautiful she was. I stroked her hair. I said who I was and that I loved her. I told her I wished she could sit up and talk with me, and that I hoped she wasn’t in pain.
I told her how Jocelyn was in FL and wished she could be here to talk to her and tell her that she loves her. I told her that Rachel so regrets not being able to come and share her artwork with her last week and that she loves her but wasn’t ready to come and see her right now. I told her that Manda was there and that I got to see her, and how my sister wanted to be there and sit with her too, but she couldn’t.
I talked about the bushels of apples they used to go and pick and how they would bring some home to us.
And how beautiful she is. That she might not think so, but that she is a strong woman and so beautiful.
I told her I didn’t think I’d ever see a red lava lamp and not think of them and their big old console that theirs always sat atop.
And that I want more time with her to talk to her and to learn more of her life. But I know how hard these past few years have been, and I understand. And that if her body wants to heal and stay here, I love her and want her here but I know that it’s been hard on her.
But 91 years still isn’t long enough. It just isn’t for those left behind and what is missed by everyone.
She has lived a good life.
A long life.
She had a good man.
She has a good family who loves her tremendously.
… and I kissed her forehead and told her that everyone loves her and named each of my kids and said they all missed her. And I told her, “I love you Grandma, and I’ll see you.” And Hannah told her she loved her and would see her later.
And I looked at her and smiled.
And Hannah and I took those silly yellow gowns and those gloves off and held hands as we walked together down the hall to the family waiting room…
Hug your loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Forgive and move on. Or just forgive.
Because 91 years just isn’t long enough.
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